Sometimes I leave a series of books to build up, so that then I get to read them in a binge. The Stephanie Meyer Twilight series is one I've saved, so all comments about this film are based simply on the film. Such as it is.
I Pine, I Swoon. I Pine Again.
Wuv, twoo Wuv is tough for vampires, especially if they got turned in their teens. One episode of Moonlight showed just how nasty this can be - 170 years of acne would turn me into a serial killer too. Thankfully for the Cullen nest they all had really good nutrition and clean pores before they became "vegetarian" vampires. Not that I'm going to pick this film apart on plot points. No Sireee, that just wouldn't be sporting. Besides, that's not why one goes to see fare like this. No, one goes to sigh over perfect cheekbones and the lips of an ... angel wouldn't quite be right, but let's just say that I'm surprised that Robert Pattinson didn't insist on equal billing for his hair/lips and jaw. They certainly get the bulk of the screen time. Rightly so. there's not a lot of dialogue getting in the way of the brooding. You get a fair amount of time to look around too, and I've gotta tell you, the scenery in this film is gorgeous. After 10 years of drought, I would watch this just for all the rain scenes and the über-green forest. But I digress. Where was I? Oh yeah - pining for a love that cannot be.
Forbidden Love
*sigh*
For masochists, there can be a deep satisfaction in the denial of pleasure. A tautness to the desire that builds and builds to a blunt edge of pain and it is the pain itself and the endurance of it which becomes a muted pleasure (of a kind) until the eventual release (yes, even masochists get release, unlike Twilight fans). These children hash around at it and it pretty much goes nowhere but I'm betting the books give it a better build-up. It is, after all, the kind of thing that is easier to understand with an internal monologue. Otherwise you're just watching people with a kindof pained expression on their face and you wonder - are they having gut cramps? There's not really a lot of denial going on here either, she pretty much just throws herself at him and it is he, the gallant vegetarian vamp who turns his head away and says no. So she tries again. Who can blame her, he sparkles like a My Little Pony unicorn and declares he feels "strongly protective" of her. Woo - the kids are *wild*!
Bring Back the Teeth
Colour me weird, but I always found that it was the danger that made the Vamps sexy. There's no fangs in this film. There's a little eyeball action (the black guy gets red ones, but Darth Maul's were way scarier) and no blood. OK, a tiny smear in the big confrontation when her (SPOILER ALERT) femoral artery is meant to bleeding out ( I promised I wasn't going to get picky, but c'mon guys you bleed out of a femoral artery in something of the order of 3 minutes - let's not pick that part of the story for some wooden dialogue and pissing around with moral qualms), but only one of the 6 vamps in the room seems to have even a twinge about the snack spilling.
Ok, I'm not even going to go there. I'm totally backing out of this critical direction.
Why Her?!
I get that she would go for him. He can play Debussy (despite the massive handicap of his hair/eyebrows/lips), can climb huge firs in an effortless scramble, sparkles like a My Little Pony unicorn (did I mention he sparkles?) and he lives in the stunning architectural mansion in the forest. But she's a whiny nobody who's only allure seems to be that she smells good. I think Rum Balls smell good, but I don't date them. I think cigars and carrots smell good, but I don't tie myself up in knots wondering if they like me. Oh, and he can't read her thoughts, where he can read everyone else's. Big Woop. I can read most people's thoughts too when they're this complicated: QUOTE "Sex. Money. Sex. Sex. Money." UN-QUOTE nothing startling there.
And So...
If you like your boys pretty and your vampires fangless and all Emo-fied, then you'll probably laugh a lot less in this film than I did and possibly even think it's a pretty neat love story. Basically, this film is an utterly hi-larious trashy b-grade teen flick and I recommend we all get wasted and go see it together, and laugh our guts up. I can't wait for the second one. We'll watch The Craft first tho - ok? and Heathers for afters.
Remember - pine, then swoon.
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