Farewells really bring things into perspective. Maybe that's why we value them ... the opportunity to reflect on what is valuable about a place, the depth and quality of friendships ... these things are soul full and it can be a wrench to make a break. Then there's the slow creeping excitement that is beginning to permeate things as my responsibilities and worries drop away. All the things that could be, can be. Horizons and hopes. I am starting to be excited by the unknown again, rather than feeling locked down.
It's all in my mind.
It's all in my mind. This lightening of circumstances, this feeling of possibility, it's no wonder that as I have shifted into action about this move, so many other things that have been blocked in my life have started to shift too. I am rediscovering who I might be, and who I don't have to be. I am from a rural place, I have pushed against that and fought it, and wanted to be in this city, and strained here against so much. I created the strain that has sent me into the tailspin, and in this process I feel that I am unmaking it.
A glorious life irony has manifested this week. For years here I have been single, seemingly having a powerful *repulser* field around me. I have so many intelligent, funny, caring friends, yet no one with whom I can share that next level of physical and emotional intimacy, sensuality and pleasure. My forays into online dating have been so very disastrous, I can't even write about it. I have been reconciled to being celibate for so long that it's almost become part of my self-identity. So really, it is of no surprise at all that I have met a *special*someone* just 8 days before I am to leave. This man has the magic pheromone, and backs it up with wit and charm. My decision to leave was heavily influenced by the need to make a connection just like this one. Overnight, I have become Schrodinger's cat.
Did we find each other *because* I'm going, and if I don't go will that perforce result in it falling apart? The ticking hangs over us when we're together, and the pounding of our hearts is eloquent only to the chaos of life.
So drinks last night were great fun, and I only cried once, a little bit. I had drinks, which I haven't allowed myself to do since the gaint bender I went on for my birthday. It's good to live, and to love and sometimes to say goodbye and not know how long for.
2 comments:
the romance sounds lovely.
personally I'm too neurotic to have goodbye drinks, or even say goodbye. i've already told my friends that when I leave Paris I'll just say "see ya next week" even though I won't.
yeah, i seriously, seriously considered taking that approach - in a way I'm thankful that i have interventionist friends!
BTW, I forgot that Romance hurts. 80% of the time is chaos and confusion.
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